Unknown

I've come across a situation that I have no way of understanding.  Everything feels so right but the reality of it is so wrong. The silence that my inner respect has brought upon us is hard to accept, but yet the reward I have given back to my identity is fulfilling. How do I make peace from this situation?  How do I accept what I have done when I couldn't accept when it was done to me?

We all know how to tell right from wrong,  but when does wrong from right become just? Or is it ever possible? 

Deeply gone

How do you find the desire to live when you have nothing you're living for? Who can help you when you can't even help yourself?

Doomed

I feel like the world's biggest mistake is not taking enough time to observe for oneself. People live so much on opinions and demands of others and forget that they have a voice and mind of their own. What happened to taking a minute to think? What happened to reading,  studying your subject,  long conversations,  and observing?  Has this world really come to this? To believing in word of mouth, social media,  and following the crowd?  Where is the individuality and beauty in standing alone? Where has "unique" gone?

Oh how I fear the future. 

From then to now

 I feel like physically I'm alive, but in the inside I've never felt so dead. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am very, but I know there's more to life that what I'm living. So where do I go from here? After so many failed attempts, where do I turn to now?
 I'm afraid to be alone because my mind is uncontrollable. It takes me to the way things once were and to places I've never been. Some places I wish to see and others I'm terrified to come across.

And 5 months after sitting in the Draft folder....

Wow... how sad it is to read that and yet so beautiful. Why did I not publish it? Perhaps I was ashamed of how unhappy I had become. Sadly looking back I searched for all the wrong answers to fix my life.. "quick fixes" if you will. And they all failed. Not much of a surprise though. I was running from everything real because what was real was painful. My surface was fun, wild, free and seemed happy. My inside was dark with memories replaying and piercing my heart over and over. They ment no harm, they were just trying to remind me of where I belonged. Thankfully,  I am almost there.

Re-writing My Story

I never thought I'd see the day again where I'd feel so alive and beautiful. I fall asleep comfortably knowing that the stars and moon are watching over me, and awake trusting that the sun will shine. My favorite part of existing again? That's simple.. My favorite part of existing again is being able to admire. I can stop and watch a butterfly land gracefully, close my eyes to hear the water run, or watch the clouds form into beautiful pictures and not regret the time it took from my day. God has held me so tight in his arms as I healed, and it's finally showing. I am me again. I am free again. I have finally found my way back to living. 

Here We Go Again

   It's been a while since I've been able to write. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I'm ready. I guess you can say that I've been hiding from anything real going on inside. Also, I have been waiting until all of the anger inside me was gone so I could actually let my heart speak. 

 

 

  I used to look in the mirror and think that the girl staring back at me was complete. I had an honest job, great friends, supporting family, and a relationship I was fully invested in. Three months ago my world shook. It took a massive heart break for me to wake up. Only one thing was taken from me, just one, and yet I felt like I was robbed of my whole life. And that's when it hit me... I made one thing, one person, my whole life. Never again.
 

   I've noticed lately that my heart has grown a bit cold. I'm afraid that the old me is returning. I used to pray to be able to feel, I think I've felt enough. How do I stop myself from shutting out? Am I even sure I want to stop myself? I was told that my uncle had two heart attacks within 24 hours and isn't in good condition and I felt nothing. Not even an ounce of emotion. Is it better this way, not to feel? All day today I've been walking around completely dead inside. I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm just emotionless. I feel absent from my body.
 

   What I really want to know is if I'm alone. Am I the only one who can exist this way? I didn't choose to be so distant from humanity then, and I'm not choosing it now. I'm not even sure how I've gotten here again. Yes my breakup hurt, but it didn't break me. I was fine in time, I am fine still. So what is it? Where did my heart go? Why can't I feel?  

 

 

   If you're my friend, I need you. I need you to exist so that I can exist again.

Please help

 



Not this time

I knew our last goodbye would have you thinking. Or was it the return of my key that made you realize you were never to be home to me again? What makes this fair? For you to want me when I'm gone? To want me when I'm strong again? Not with me.. Not this time. I'm strong. I'm beautiful. I'm capable. I'm worthy. I'm deserving. I'm free. And I'm sorry...