Goodbye,
Araceli Janette
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
To have known the outcome.
I miss us. I miss who I was when we were together. I miss the listener's reactions to our sweet melody. I still hold you close. You're everywhere I go. Why did I have to let you go? I miss us, but I don't miss you. You forced everything else out my life. So maybe this is right. Maybe we aren't meant to be. So I'll go on day by day with memories of us. Music, you have my heart forever and a day, but I'm letting go of the image of us I fell in love with.
Goodbye,
Araceli Janette
Goodbye,
Araceli Janette
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
lame
I saw you in somebody tonight, I almost broke.
Tonight I found out I'll have to see you with somebody.
I was hoping for a laugh after a joke.
It shouldn't be this way.
This isn't fair.
Your actions fail to meet you words.
You're hiding behind doors as if you don't care.
When will you be back?
When will you stop pretending?
I need you back, I need my life on track.
Tonight I found out I'll have to see you with somebody.
I was hoping for a laugh after a joke.
It shouldn't be this way.
This isn't fair.
Your actions fail to meet you words.
You're hiding behind doors as if you don't care.
When will you be back?
When will you stop pretending?
I need you back, I need my life on track.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
...Continued
I'm having a hard time figuring out why I am the way that I am. I've been questioning myself for days now. Finding things out that for so long I've been blind to. This is all good though, I need to figure myself out a little more. I'm so confused, but I truly believe that this is worth it.
I want to be able to be completely open when I blog. I've been writing daily since I was about 11 or 12. At first I would just write about my day, then as I got older I learned to use writing as therapy. I couldn't say the things I would write to people because I would be looked at weird. Now, I could care less how I'm viewed. The weirder the better. I'm different, I'm unique, I'm nothing like anyone I've met. I have a mind of my own, and my mind has always seemed to get me into trouble.
I would love to have someone to share the same mind as me. Someone who could read me easily because I'm terrible at explaining myself. I cannot have that though. At least not now. I'm realizing that my lack of will to commit could be a bigger problem then I thought. I don't want to be alone forever, although I am perfectly okay on my own. I want to be loved one day. I want to wake up to the same person everyday. I want to have someone to look forward to seeing when I come home. I want to crave someones touch. I cannot have that though. At least not now.
As I stated in my conversation that I posted in my last entry, I'm missing something. I'm missing whatever it is that will help me make a relationship successful. Or am I? I keep questioning myself... I keep tying knots in my head. Why? Why now? Since I can remember, I've had the same stupid routine. I find someone new, get to know them, jump into things too quick, then when things begin to settle, I cut off my feelings and bounce. Then with some, they come back and I convince myself that maybe I can do it this time... never works. So once again I leave someone with a wounded heart. I hate this. I hate that I do this over and over again. Why do I keep trying to convince myself that I can make a relationship work if I am perfectly happy with being alone? Why can't I just be alone!?
Not long ago, I grew feelings for someone. And not even thinking about what I was getting us both into, I went for it simply because it felt right. My every move was made on what felt right. For the first time EVER, I wasn't questioning myself. I wasn't observing my every move to see when the time was coming that I had to start pushing away. I didn't want to push away. As I also stated in my last entry, I thoroughly enjoy my distance from whoever I'm involved with, but with him I hated the distance. I needed him. I never needed a guy before, but I wasn't afraid. It wasn't long before I realized what was going on. I was actually falling for someone. I felt amazingly positive about whatever we were. I cared more about this person than the guy I was supposed to have a child with. Why wasn't I questioning this? Why am I still not questioning this...
I'm missing something. Even when I had it all at my fingertips, I couldn't make it work, or even stay at that. What am I missing? Whatever it is... I'll keep trusting that I'll find it. HE wouldn't allow me to feel this way just to have it ripped out my hands again. I lost something precious to me once already. I won't be alone forever. Until I figure things out, I think I'm better off not having chances with peoples hearts that don't have a piece of mine. After all, if their heart isn't the heart that's connected to mine, then we're just wasting time.
I want to be able to be completely open when I blog. I've been writing daily since I was about 11 or 12. At first I would just write about my day, then as I got older I learned to use writing as therapy. I couldn't say the things I would write to people because I would be looked at weird. Now, I could care less how I'm viewed. The weirder the better. I'm different, I'm unique, I'm nothing like anyone I've met. I have a mind of my own, and my mind has always seemed to get me into trouble.
I would love to have someone to share the same mind as me. Someone who could read me easily because I'm terrible at explaining myself. I cannot have that though. At least not now. I'm realizing that my lack of will to commit could be a bigger problem then I thought. I don't want to be alone forever, although I am perfectly okay on my own. I want to be loved one day. I want to wake up to the same person everyday. I want to have someone to look forward to seeing when I come home. I want to crave someones touch. I cannot have that though. At least not now.
As I stated in my conversation that I posted in my last entry, I'm missing something. I'm missing whatever it is that will help me make a relationship successful. Or am I? I keep questioning myself... I keep tying knots in my head. Why? Why now? Since I can remember, I've had the same stupid routine. I find someone new, get to know them, jump into things too quick, then when things begin to settle, I cut off my feelings and bounce. Then with some, they come back and I convince myself that maybe I can do it this time... never works. So once again I leave someone with a wounded heart. I hate this. I hate that I do this over and over again. Why do I keep trying to convince myself that I can make a relationship work if I am perfectly happy with being alone? Why can't I just be alone!?
Not long ago, I grew feelings for someone. And not even thinking about what I was getting us both into, I went for it simply because it felt right. My every move was made on what felt right. For the first time EVER, I wasn't questioning myself. I wasn't observing my every move to see when the time was coming that I had to start pushing away. I didn't want to push away. As I also stated in my last entry, I thoroughly enjoy my distance from whoever I'm involved with, but with him I hated the distance. I needed him. I never needed a guy before, but I wasn't afraid. It wasn't long before I realized what was going on. I was actually falling for someone. I felt amazingly positive about whatever we were. I cared more about this person than the guy I was supposed to have a child with. Why wasn't I questioning this? Why am I still not questioning this...
I'm missing something. Even when I had it all at my fingertips, I couldn't make it work, or even stay at that. What am I missing? Whatever it is... I'll keep trusting that I'll find it. HE wouldn't allow me to feel this way just to have it ripped out my hands again. I lost something precious to me once already. I won't be alone forever. Until I figure things out, I think I'm better off not having chances with peoples hearts that don't have a piece of mine. After all, if their heart isn't the heart that's connected to mine, then we're just wasting time.
-AJT
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