I want to be able to be completely open when I blog. I've been writing daily since I was about 11 or 12. At first I would just write about my day, then as I got older I learned to use writing as therapy. I couldn't say the things I would write to people because I would be looked at weird. Now, I could care less how I'm viewed. The weirder the better. I'm different, I'm unique, I'm nothing like anyone I've met. I have a mind of my own, and my mind has always seemed to get me into trouble.
I would love to have someone to share the same mind as me. Someone who could read me easily because I'm terrible at explaining myself. I cannot have that though. At least not now. I'm realizing that my lack of will to commit could be a bigger problem then I thought. I don't want to be alone forever, although I am perfectly okay on my own. I want to be loved one day. I want to wake up to the same person everyday. I want to have someone to look forward to seeing when I come home. I want to crave someones touch. I cannot have that though. At least not now.
As I stated in my conversation that I posted in my last entry, I'm missing something. I'm missing whatever it is that will help me make a relationship successful. Or am I? I keep questioning myself... I keep tying knots in my head. Why? Why now? Since I can remember, I've had the same stupid routine. I find someone new, get to know them, jump into things too quick, then when things begin to settle, I cut off my feelings and bounce. Then with some, they come back and I convince myself that maybe I can do it this time... never works. So once again I leave someone with a wounded heart. I hate this. I hate that I do this over and over again. Why do I keep trying to convince myself that I can make a relationship work if I am perfectly happy with being alone? Why can't I just be alone!?
Not long ago, I grew feelings for someone. And not even thinking about what I was getting us both into, I went for it simply because it felt right. My every move was made on what felt right. For the first time EVER, I wasn't questioning myself. I wasn't observing my every move to see when the time was coming that I had to start pushing away. I didn't want to push away. As I also stated in my last entry, I thoroughly enjoy my distance from whoever I'm involved with, but with him I hated the distance. I needed him. I never needed a guy before, but I wasn't afraid. It wasn't long before I realized what was going on. I was actually falling for someone. I felt amazingly positive about whatever we were. I cared more about this person than the guy I was supposed to have a child with. Why wasn't I questioning this? Why am I still not questioning this...
I'm missing something. Even when I had it all at my fingertips, I couldn't make it work, or even stay at that. What am I missing? Whatever it is... I'll keep trusting that I'll find it. HE wouldn't allow me to feel this way just to have it ripped out my hands again. I lost something precious to me once already. I won't be alone forever. Until I figure things out, I think I'm better off not having chances with peoples hearts that don't have a piece of mine. After all, if their heart isn't the heart that's connected to mine, then we're just wasting time.
-AJT
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