Conversation strikes a point.

I had a conversation with a friend today, and I'd love to write about it after work.
( I start the conversation, then my friend follows and so on.)

Me: Anndd, I'm just questioning myself a lot. And how I work in relationships. realizing a lot. 

Friend: romantic relationships?

yes

hmm this sounds interesting. share more

I'm missing something

And I dont know if it's something I need to find, or if it's something I just wont ever have because I'm not meant to.

But I need this something to make a relationship work.

I always say I don't want to get married and I don't care to commit to someone even now, but yet I don't want to be alone at all times.

I enjoy the company of a man, but long term... I cant seem to make that work even in my head.

i've noticed some of this

i feel very similar to that at times

I don't know how people talk about marriage. In my head, it's just a big no. I wasn't hurt in the past to make me not want a real relationship or anything. My parents have been married 37 years so I'm not damaged by a separation in the family. I've always fallen back back on the excuse that I'm just different. what if it's just that? An excuse... I want a reason. 

it might be

i'm not opposed to marriage. i mean for my age yeah, definitely

i just feel like i'm always gonna be alone ha.

we're both weirdos 

I enjoy being different to an extent. 

true. me too, but but only to a point

do you enjoy being in relationships?

For a little bit

I enjoy the thought of "belonging" to someone. I like caring for someone. Doing little things to keep them smiling. I like late nights on the couch in front of the tv with the same person rather than different people. I like thinking that I have the potential to fall in love.

Then things get messy, and I get distant. I'm over the first couple of months and my mind goes nuts. I realize that I'm going to hurt this person more if i stay with them any longer and I leave.

I never get hurt, I always hurt people. And lately I've been wondering why its always the same people trying to get with me, and I realized it's because I leave so suddenly without closure. I cut off my feelings naturally, but theirs remain. 

why do you think you do that? lose interest?

and same people trying to get with you?

Ex's, last flings, ect.

I don't know why I do that. It's been a routine for me and I guess it's almost natural now.

haha yeahhh those type of people tend to stick around and see if they can rekindle things

maybe you just havent dated anyone worth changing for

I've met someone that made me not think about the future. Made me extremely happy in the moment. It wasn't about commitment with that person, it was about pure happiness. I wanted to see that person every day. talk to them all day long. Usually, I thoroughly enjoy my distance. With him, I hated distance. That is completely unusual for me. He gave me hope I guess. And now I keep questioning myself lol.

lol is he still in the picture?

Not as I would like for him to be.

a little confused. what would you like from him?

bc right now sounds pretty sweet. minus you questioning yourself

He's committed to someone else now.

But he's still a great part of my life.

ohhh i'm sorry to hear that babe

No need.

you're amazing. haha u just have to accept someone amazing to be there for you

Only if it feels right.

of course

probably avoid scabs 

I'll be shamelessly open later.

To be continued...