If you don't know how to dress yourself...

...Don't even bother. 

I'd marry you if your face looked good from ALL angles.

He loves me not.

I took this flower everywhere with me yesterday. 

We got to know each other very well. 

We even played a game. Apparently, he loves me not. 

After our game, it wasn't so pretty so I left it behind.

-AJT

Will I be missed?

I did my best to take in all that I could today. The pictures, the texture of the walls, the views from each window, the smell, the voices slightly overpowering the music. These things I never want to forget. What will I miss the most? What will miss me the most? Who's going take my place in serving my regulars? Who will have to memorize their orders and prepare things exactly how they love and expect them...? Whoever it is, I'm jealous of already. I'm only afraid to leave, because I'm afraid I'll forget. I walked the same halls since I was 16. My life has been a routine since then. I love change, but I'm deathly afraid of the relationships that will be lost due to my absence. Never thought I'd be emotional about leaving such a place that drains me both physically and emotionally. Aside from all the negative stories I may have told you, my journey was well appreciated.

My escape.

I had a wonderful night last night. Sure, it was great going out with my 3 favorite girls, it was great seeing Paco again and finally getting to experience Will Roth & The Sound, but it was Paco's music that lead me back home. Not home where I lay my head down, not home where I kick my feet up and watch recorded shows.. home where my mind runs free. Where I'm numb to reality. It's just me and the melody, the music vibrating my heart. I don't know what it is about this man exactly. Maybe it's simply just his REAL connection with his lyrics. I feel like I can see all the emotions flowing through his heart and mind when I'm lost in his music. This is art at it's best for me, when I can leave this world and enter the world created for me, and only me.

This picture was taken back in December. One of the greatest nights of my life, for various reason.

And I captured this picture last night as he was singing "Whiskey Kisses." For those who don't know Paco, he came from the band South FM which came about in 2001 and stayed together until 2006. Paco had his CD release show last night in Deep Ellum at the Curtain Club. I'm proud of him for all the work he's put in to becoming a solo artist. If you ever have a spare minute or 5, check him out on youtube. LISTEN to the lyrics. He tells a story very well.

Thanks for another great night Paco. Your music has my heart.

Strangers, again.

Personally, I like stage 4. I love being able to be completely comfortable with the person I'm with.

My mother always said "Never get too comfortable with the person you give your heart to" I hated when she'd tell me this. I don't agree with it. Maybe I'm wrong?

Maybe this is my problem? Or maybe I'm not wrong. It's possible that the one, IF there's one, enjoys stage 4 just like I do.

It doesn't have to end this way though.
Not every time.
-AJT

I'm crushin...

...On a female. But I like men.

Is this okay?

I don't get it.

-AJT

Emerson Matabele.

An African man with such a beautiful vision. A man exploring Africa while studying for his PHD in history. No intentions on ever becoming  an artist for a living. Emerson Matabele followed the path he believed God placed in front of him and became such an amazing artist. He has such a deep appreciation for people, as do I. He captures more than just the pretty face of a sweet little angel living in poverty. He shows her love for life, a life without diamonds and pearls, a life full of simple little things. I encourage you to look at his art. Observe it knowing that he had absolutely no training or knowledge in photography. It all just started with a trip back to Africa with just a single camera, color slide film, and photographed primarily using a portrait lens. If you ask, he'll tell you that his aim was to not catch the eye, but the soul. After his trip to Africa, he was told by many that his photographs and his talent was meant to be known. So as an experiment, he leaked his photos and became something amazing. He then traveled for 16 years taking pictures and meeting many people of different cultures.

I went to Main St. Fort Worth Art Festival today. His work made my eyes water. Immediately I felt like we were one in the same. I understood his point, his vision, and his purpose. I just HAD to talk to him, artist to artist. Laramie kept telling me not to be a Bword and just go up to him. So, I approached him. And we talked for a looong while. My first question for him was what was his inspiration. Although I felt that I knew what it was, I needed to know that I was right. He threw me a curve ball though. When I asked him this, He replied with "my dear, what do YOU think my inspiration is?"  Though I was afraid to be wrong, I answered anyways. I said that I felt his deep appreciation for people and showing each other how diverse but yet alike we all are. I went on about viewing the world with a naked eye and how easy it is to get lost in value. He held my hands in his and told me that I was the only one he's met that has the exact vision as him. In allllllll his years of discovery and photographing, I was the ONLY one who meets his mind dead on? I was honored to be in his presence. He talked to me about his journey. He gave me all kinds of advice with not just the camera, but with the eye that meets the camera. We talked about my plans to travel as well. We talked about the missionary trip to Guatemala coming up this summer that I so badly want to take. Come to find out, he only uses a manual camera. He prints all his work. Those who know me well know that I'm in love with my 35mm sigma manual. I love black and white film. I JUST started using a digital and I'm still trying to appreciate digital work more than I do. He told me that he understands my appreciation for film, but to follow digital. I wont sit here and write about the techniques and all we talked about, but I got great advice. This man was completely open with me. This man wants me to be somebody. He wants me to help him send a message to the world. He left me with an invitation to contact him and share our artwork together. He cares about my art. Besides his gift of kindness, he gave me this as well.

 ( excuse my phones photography skills)

A piece of his work, for free. When I asked him if he was sure about giving me this pricey gift he said, "Money isn't much my dear. I only recycle money back to my vision. You can carry on OUR vision if you believe as well." I hugged Emerson, took a picture with him, laughed at him clowning Laramie for having an iPhone, then went on with my day. I didn't notice until I got in the car that this very photo of his titled "Lady Of Grace" was taken in Guatemala. Was it a coincidence that it was the VERY picture laying in front of me amongst all other photos stacked up? Will my journey start in Guatemala? Or is this just a symbol of hope and inspiration that I needed to get started? I guess we'll see. 

I will forever remember being inspired by Emerson Matabele.

Nothing I say compares to what I can show.

-AJT

Wishful thinking?

Tonight more than ever, I've craved the presence of someone I so dearly care for when I walk through my door. Driving home from a party, I said to my best friend " I wish I had someone to come home to. " I can't wait for the day that I get to open my door to my bedroom and crawl in bed next to my love. I want to say " honey I'm home" after a long night out with my girls. For now I have to settle for crawling in bed with my pillows.

Trust

What if I forget to let it happen? Will you remind me? What if you forget to let it happen? Will I have the guts to remind you?

Determined

 

Before I die I want to knock down your wall.
I want to show you that it's possible. I want to show you that the ending isn't always the same. I want you to see that I was where you are until I found it in me to listen to my heart. I want you to understand. I want you to grow. 
Before I die I want to  build a house in the mountains.
I want to make it with my own hands. I want to wake up to the mountains everyday and feel free. I want to have 4 dogs that can run around carelessly. I want to smell the fresh air. I want to know that no one can see me standing naked on my doorstep. I want to be separated from the world.
Before I die I want to tell his story. 
I want the world to feel your pain through my writing. I want them to know that words are more harmful then they realize. I want the ones that made you feel worthless cry for forgiveness. I want you to know that you aren't the only one. I want you to feel loved, important, wanted, beautiful, human.  I want others that have come close to ending their lives to find hope.
Before I die I want to adopt a kid.
I've always wanted to love a child who wasn't wanted. Give someone a home who didn't know what a home was. I want to make someone feel wanted. Show them that there's hope. After losing mine, I couldn't imagine wanting to let one go.

 I could go on and on, but these are all words. It's truly up to us what we accomplish in life. There's so much I want to do, I believe when the times right, when God believes I'm ready, all my wishes will come true. And what doesn't, was never meant to happen... for me at least. Someone else was able to do what wasn't meant for me to do. As long as it's done though...

This shits annoying.

I'm like a fucking hermaphrodite with the penis built in my brain. It was cool in the beginning, but I'm reeealllly trying to avoid the the thought process of a guy and try and see things JUST as a girl. I don't wanna just say "fuck it" anymore. I wanna be a girl and think this out ! I wanna be emotional for a second. I AM a female, this shouldn't be difficult. WHY IS THIS DIFFICULT !?!? I'm always walkin around careless about most things. So maybe I forgot how to care. Maybe I forgot how to let this happen.



This is what I get for hanging out with too many guys. Now I think like one too.

I must say...

... It meant something.