I was afraid of this.

What I so badly hoped wouldn't happen, is slowly starting to take place. All the things I never wanted to forget, all the memories, the feelings, they're all slipping from my finger tips. I can no longer hold onto what it felt like when I was carrying my little one. I can no longer hear the music play as I watch your lips move. You're smile, I can't picture anymore. The smell of my favorite place, I have no memory of. There are some memories I might be able to do without, but there are those select few that I cannot bear to forget. I'll sit here as long as it takes until I remember. I used to think of some of these things on the daily, when did I stop? Why did I stop? Sure, I mature as the hours pass, but when did I lose control? I have to remember...

Beyonce- Best Thing I Never Had

What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)
What goes around comes back around (hey my baby)

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

[Chorus]

I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now

So sad, you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears
I guess that's why they ain't there
When I think that there was a time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
Baby good lookin' out

[Chorus]
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
I said, you turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'll never be the best thing you never had
Oh baby I bet sucks to be you right now

I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

[Chorus]

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through it that
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I will always be the, best thing you never had.
Best thing you never had!

I used to want you so bad
I'm so through it that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh you turned out to be the best thing I never had
Oh I will never be the best thing you never had
Oh baby, I bet it sucks to be you right now

Goes around, comes back around
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now
Goes around, comes back around
Bet it sucks to be you right now

Feelin' real good.

As of a few minutes ago, I don't give a shit anymore. Back to where I started and it feels damn good. That's all I have to say. Goodbye.

It's official, I have fallen in love. Yes, I said LOVE.

GIVE MEEEEE !!!!!

I don't know.

-AJT

What do I want?

So many people lately have been asking me why I'm still single after all this time. What is it that I want that I cant find. Well, here it is.
I'm single because I refuse to be with someone who isn't everything I need and want. No more settling for this girl. No more "maybe he'll change" thoughts. He either fits the part, or he doesn't. Why waste your time with someone who is only half of what you want? I mean, after all you commit to a relationship with someone that you think might be someone you could see yourself with for eternity. So why commit to someone who isn't right for you long term?

And as far as what I want... I want someone who wants to understand how my mind works and does whatever he can to figure it out. I want someone who doesn't care that most people don't understand me, the deep me. I want someone to sit underneath the stars with. I want someone who enjoys deep conversations but also doesn't mind sitting in silence with my hand in his. I want someone who doesn't have to see me everyday, but still misses me when I'm not there. I want someone who appreciates my art. I want someone who doesn't mind how many pictures I take of him when we aren't even doing anything special. I want someone to take me out here and there, but still would rather lay in bed with me watching our favorite shows. I'm the type of girl who likes to stay in and watch movies or play video games occasionally.

A night out on the town surrounded with the city lights would be nice too though. We don't have to spend a dollar. Lets just sit downtown and people watch. We can guess peoples stories and how they met. We can run through random sprinklers in peoples yards. We can sit at a park and predict each others futures or just play with the ducks. I don't need an expensive dinner followed by an over priced ticket to some movie. I just want to watch you smile. I want someone who isn't afraid to call me out when I'm acting ridiculous. I want someone who agrees that communication is key. Don't be afraid to open up to me. If I've kept you around, you can obviously trust me because I'm trusting you. I want someone who understands that I'm probably just as scared as they are. I want someone who can admit their faults. I want someone who is shamelessly honest, even if it hurts. I want someone who isn't focused so much on the title, but the connection. I don't need my relationship status to change on facebook. I need to know that without a title, I am the only one you're craving. I don't need you to commit to a relationship so quick. I need you to commit to trying to make us into something someday. I want someone who wants to know every detail about me. I want someone who is comfortable with me knowing every detail about them. I want someone that I can be 100% comfortable with. I want someone who doesn't look at me and want something more. I want sex to be more than sex. Not necessarily "making love" because that is for making babies, but I want passion behind each touch. I want to feel that it means something to you. I want someone who can look at me and say, "you're nothing like the others" and actually mean it.  I want someone who wants me around their friends and family, but isn't afraid to tell me when they want "bro" time. I want someone who understands that it isn't about being "perfect" it's about growing with each other and learning how we work together best. It's not about what we could be, it's about what we are. I want to know that he'll be there when I'm at my lowest with a hug and a smile, not a rose and some candy. I want someone who doesn't treat me differently on Valentines day. I want someone who isn't afraid to listen to their heart once they realize that I could be it. I want someone who won't walk away from what we have just because its easier to leave than to risk getting hurt. If you know already that I could possibly hurt you, then there must be a connection already. Let it be. I want to care for someone so much that I picture our greeting for the next time that we plan to see each other.
I want to be his best friend one day. And I want him to be my best friend. I want to stay up super late just talking about nothing. Laughing constantly at each others stupidity. I want someone who never gets tired of watching me laugh, wrinkly nose and everything. I want someone who doesn't focus on the future between us, but in the present. I want someone who isn't afraid to just live. I want someone who loves how spontaneous I am. I want someone who doesn't look at me as a project, but as a piece of art. I want someone to teach me things. I want someone who knows more than I do about some things. I want someone who challenges me. I want someone who sees my potential. I want someone who doesn't necessarily focus on giving me better than I've had, but just all of what he can offer and trust that it's enough. I want someone who doesn't need to be told how great he is, but never gets tired of hearing it. I want someone to explore new things with. I want someone who doesn't get bored with life. I want someone who doesn't settle. I want someone with dreams. I want someone who can look at me and tell when I'm lying. I want someone who isn't afraid to sing me to sleep, no matter how terrible it might be. I want someone who will play with my hair. I want someone who doesn't act like they know me, but actually does. I just want someone who wants me for me, and doesn't expect or hope for anything more. I refuse to settle.

-AJT

What I feel is what I do.

                                                   Another emotion joined with another idea

on just another day.

-AJT

On the road again.

I feel as if the road has become my home. It's not leaving things behind that satisfies me. It's discovering new things away from the usual that completes me. Being someone who doesn't see herself as marriage material or mother material, I always wanted to dedicate my life to traveling. Though I'm only making small trips now, I still feel like I'm off to a good start. Every place I visit has a small peace of my heart. I never want to settle for this place. I forever want to see what else is out there for me. There's way more than NRH for me. I belong elsewhere. When I finally feel satisfied with my life journey, I WILL build a house in the mountains and it will become my home. Until then, I'll commit to staying on the road.

Leaving in a few hours. I must rest. G'night readers.

-AJT

I hope you'll read this.

 My Facebook status at 3a.m. this morning...

"Even in these times, your mind still draws me near. As close as we wish to be, miles of reasons why we can't separate us. One day I'll see you again. One day.."

 And today, we saw each other. I felt your emotions through our hug. I could tell that I have been missed. We've come to accept the irony of our world. Not the world we share with others, but the world we built for just the two of us. We're still connected. And as you take on your journey over seas here in just a few days, I trust that you will have time to let your mind wonder enough to let it join mine. I know you'll feel it. Let today be our proof that though you feel things are too different, they have never changed. I'll always love you. 

Farewell my dear friend,

-AJT

Tell Them.

Each dose of hope forced into my veins, only results in another night in this cold place. 

Knowing this is a loss cause, they continue to waste hope on these permanently damaged issues. I can't let this go on much longer. Each dosage forcefully wasted, could be the one dosage another so desperately needs as they fight for their life in order to keep another. Help me. Help me convince them. It's all I want. As for tonight, I'll spend another night in this cold place. Patiently waiting to try once again to convince them as they prepare another dosage. 

Help me save someone deserving.

-AJT