Re-writing My Story

I never thought I'd see the day again where I'd feel so alive and beautiful. I fall asleep comfortably knowing that the stars and moon are watching over me, and awake trusting that the sun will shine. My favorite part of existing again? That's simple.. My favorite part of existing again is being able to admire. I can stop and watch a butterfly land gracefully, close my eyes to hear the water run, or watch the clouds form into beautiful pictures and not regret the time it took from my day. God has held me so tight in his arms as I healed, and it's finally showing. I am me again. I am free again. I have finally found my way back to living. 

Here We Go Again

   It's been a while since I've been able to write. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I'm ready. I guess you can say that I've been hiding from anything real going on inside. Also, I have been waiting until all of the anger inside me was gone so I could actually let my heart speak. 

 

 

  I used to look in the mirror and think that the girl staring back at me was complete. I had an honest job, great friends, supporting family, and a relationship I was fully invested in. Three months ago my world shook. It took a massive heart break for me to wake up. Only one thing was taken from me, just one, and yet I felt like I was robbed of my whole life. And that's when it hit me... I made one thing, one person, my whole life. Never again.
 

   I've noticed lately that my heart has grown a bit cold. I'm afraid that the old me is returning. I used to pray to be able to feel, I think I've felt enough. How do I stop myself from shutting out? Am I even sure I want to stop myself? I was told that my uncle had two heart attacks within 24 hours and isn't in good condition and I felt nothing. Not even an ounce of emotion. Is it better this way, not to feel? All day today I've been walking around completely dead inside. I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm just emotionless. I feel absent from my body.
 

   What I really want to know is if I'm alone. Am I the only one who can exist this way? I didn't choose to be so distant from humanity then, and I'm not choosing it now. I'm not even sure how I've gotten here again. Yes my breakup hurt, but it didn't break me. I was fine in time, I am fine still. So what is it? Where did my heart go? Why can't I feel?  

 

 

   If you're my friend, I need you. I need you to exist so that I can exist again.

Please help

 



Not this time

I knew our last goodbye would have you thinking. Or was it the return of my key that made you realize you were never to be home to me again? What makes this fair? For you to want me when I'm gone? To want me when I'm strong again? Not with me.. Not this time. I'm strong. I'm beautiful. I'm capable. I'm worthy. I'm deserving. I'm free. And I'm sorry... 

What do I want?

I want what's right for me. I want happiness. I want comfort. I want friends who can ride with me. I want a man who wants to see me succeed. I want someone to understand for once. I want to stop comparing. I want the nightmares to stop. I want to be the artist I once was. I want to disappear. I want to be somewhere unknown. I want to sing. I want to live.  I want to breathe easy. I want to change. I want to stay the same. I want to dream. I want to start fresh. I want to fly away. I want to cry. I want to finish school. I want a family. I want to travel. I want to connect with someone. I want a secret life. I want it back. I want things to be okay. I want to give back. I want to change the world. I want to be me. 

Really, I just want what's meant to be to hurry up and be. Tired of waiting for my time. 

On My Way

   Crazy isn't it? How events in your life sometimes have no medium. One day things are as you imagined and the next your living a life that seems like anything but yours. The constant roller coaster keeps me guessing, but it also keeps me from settling. Isn't this what I used to dream of... Not settling ?
   Two months ago if you had asked me what I wanted, I would have said "to be his forever and begin the family we had both spoken of and built in conversation". If you ask me now, I want nothing more than to feed my hungry heart everything it desires and has been desiring underneath all of the clutter of broken promises I was so blind of. I deserve nothing less than a happy heart and a peaceful mind. When will I learn to live again? When will I learn to love again? I have no answer for either question at his moment.
   When I think about who I was before I fell in love, I get so emotional. Emotional because I remember every single bit of who I was that made me so content with life. I can't find that anymore. It's as if I know where to look, but it just doesn't apply the way it used to. Could this be because I could never really be who I was then simply because who I have been, changed that for ever?

   Music, art, writing, I need these things to bring me back alive.

 I want to want again.  I want to feel again.

 

Here I am, writing to no one but myself. Sitting in the stillness of night listening to God's creations and fighting the urge to backspace through all of this, but I wont. I refuse to be afraid to speak any longer. I refuse to keep who I am buried underneath what others have made of me. I am free now. Free to live my life for me. Free to want anything in reach or beyond the clouds.

 

This is it, this is my chance.

No one can love me the way I can love myself. 

I have just started this journey, but I am well on my way.

 

 

 

 

-AJT

Somewhere Somehow Love Still Exists

   I hate the most that I lost who I was yet again. I cannot seem to understand why I let this happen or how I can just not see myself slipping. It isn't until I'm just missing from myself, and all things I adore slip from my hands that I get the chance to look at what I've become. I don't blame you for falling out of love with me. Like you said, I'm just not the person you fell in love with anymore. 

   No one will ever understand what we are going through and why we are even trying to put the pieces back together, but I don't care. We don't need anyone to. I am forever grateful that he is still able, after time apart, to see who I am buried underneath who I've become and really believe that I will return. This is why I love him so much. No one has ever believed in me the way he has since day one. Because of this, because of everything we are fighting and facing, I know that somewhere, somehow, love still exists.

One day baby, one day we'll have our forever back.  

   

Somewhere... Somehow...

I want my forever back.

And I know you do too.

In time... 

Life

   I have no idea why God chooses to take me for so many spins, but it's been getting a little out of hand in my opinion. He always has something new for me to do and experience. There's always a new lesson to learn and I'm always confused, Whether you're part of my daily life personally, or through social media, you know that my life has taken a HUGE left turn. Things lately haven't been the easiest. I never thought this would happen, though things haven't been perfect lately. It happened though, and surprisingly I'm okay. I was positive that if this ever happened, I'd be face down in a pillow every single day until I just couldn't cry anymore. It has been far from that though. I can't begin to tell you what I've.. WE'VE, learned from this. It's no ones business to be quite honest, so I don't care to share. I just want everyone to know that I am okay. I am happy. I am changed forever.

   Sometimes, a lot of times, we aren't going to understand. It's important to know that we are just simply not built to understand everything. I've held so tightly onto my faith and trust in God... Never once did I lose sight of it even though it was extremely difficult at times. 

   There's beauty in every life event, you just have to have enough drive to find it. 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to continue being excepting of those spins..

Because any dance with my God is safer than a dance with chance. 

-AJT<3

 

I hope you'll remember me for the good.

If someone were to have asked me anytime in the past years, I would've said that I couldn't live without you... But I am.

 I would've said that we promised forever and always, but you left. 

I would've said that your love for me was strong, but it failed. 

Thinking about it then I would've cried endlessly, but I'm not. 

I'll go on smiling.

Smiling for everything I do have in life, and everything I am gaining back.

You're forever in my heart, in a memory box.

Thank you for everything.

Goodbye. 

I want this forever.

How is it possible to be so in love with someone? There isn't a day that I don't think about him constantly. No matter how good or bad we are doing, I always crave his touch. I think my favorite thing in the entire world, is waking up to him every morning. No one can annoy me as much as he can, but no one can come close to making me as happy as he does.

I hope this lasts forever.

It's been a while...

It's been so long. I bet you didn't realize I was gone. I had no intentions on returning publicly, but something felt right about clicking "new post".
Truth is, I came here hoping to find a time when I was last "complete". I found nothing but regret from me reading so far back. Where did it all go? The comfort in not knowing, the want for nothing, the beauty in me... Where did it go?




I was never complete, and I hope to never be. Why? Just ask me later.