Not this time

I knew our last goodbye would have you thinking. Or was it the return of my key that made you realize you were never to be home to me again? What makes this fair? For you to want me when I'm gone? To want me when I'm strong again? Not with me.. Not this time. I'm strong. I'm beautiful. I'm capable. I'm worthy. I'm deserving. I'm free. And I'm sorry... 

What do I want?

I want what's right for me. I want happiness. I want comfort. I want friends who can ride with me. I want a man who wants to see me succeed. I want someone to understand for once. I want to stop comparing. I want the nightmares to stop. I want to be the artist I once was. I want to disappear. I want to be somewhere unknown. I want to sing. I want to live.  I want to breathe easy. I want to change. I want to stay the same. I want to dream. I want to start fresh. I want to fly away. I want to cry. I want to finish school. I want a family. I want to travel. I want to connect with someone. I want a secret life. I want it back. I want things to be okay. I want to give back. I want to change the world. I want to be me. 

Really, I just want what's meant to be to hurry up and be. Tired of waiting for my time. 

On My Way

   Crazy isn't it? How events in your life sometimes have no medium. One day things are as you imagined and the next your living a life that seems like anything but yours. The constant roller coaster keeps me guessing, but it also keeps me from settling. Isn't this what I used to dream of... Not settling ?
   Two months ago if you had asked me what I wanted, I would have said "to be his forever and begin the family we had both spoken of and built in conversation". If you ask me now, I want nothing more than to feed my hungry heart everything it desires and has been desiring underneath all of the clutter of broken promises I was so blind of. I deserve nothing less than a happy heart and a peaceful mind. When will I learn to live again? When will I learn to love again? I have no answer for either question at his moment.
   When I think about who I was before I fell in love, I get so emotional. Emotional because I remember every single bit of who I was that made me so content with life. I can't find that anymore. It's as if I know where to look, but it just doesn't apply the way it used to. Could this be because I could never really be who I was then simply because who I have been, changed that for ever?

   Music, art, writing, I need these things to bring me back alive.

 I want to want again.  I want to feel again.

 

Here I am, writing to no one but myself. Sitting in the stillness of night listening to God's creations and fighting the urge to backspace through all of this, but I wont. I refuse to be afraid to speak any longer. I refuse to keep who I am buried underneath what others have made of me. I am free now. Free to live my life for me. Free to want anything in reach or beyond the clouds.

 

This is it, this is my chance.

No one can love me the way I can love myself. 

I have just started this journey, but I am well on my way.

 

 

 

 

-AJT