Helpless Cries.

   My weekend was pretty interesting. Interesting because of all the little things that took place. I am the type of person that will remember things that most seem to forget. Like the looks from people we get when the kids are just being who they are, the amount of curse words my best friend says in a sentence, when the tightness of a hug changes between you and someone special, or the sounds I hear during a special moment. I believe that all little things make up the obvious.
   Friday I was ready to rage. I had worked so hard throughout the week that all I was ready to do was have fun. That was a fail. I ended up in bed cuddled up with my thoughts earlier that I had expected. Saturday was great. I had made plans that I canceled as soon as I got the opportunity to be with some of my boys. I received a text from Ryan telling me to meet at Bethesda Christian School as soon as possible for his brothers basketball game, so I did. twelve minutes late I arrived to Bubba talking very loudly about the fat lady across the gym, I love him. I taught Hector how to tie his shoes. That was a type of special that I cannot even begin to explain. After we ate a quick lunch, I picked up Houston and my camera then met the boys up at the Garden of Prayer where we took on the trail. We also hiked up to the railroad tracks where I watched the boys throw rocks at a pole. After Fer sat on a cactus, we decided it was time to go back to my house and just play the Wii and run ten miles an hour on my treadmill. Luis met up with us there, which was special to me. I don't know how else to let him in but to involve him in the things that mean so much to me. That is a different story though.Though we were enjoying our time together, my heart was hurting. Hurting because I had to leave Tony, Houston's big brother, at home. His actions lately haven't been the best, and because of that he isn't allowed to join us. Telling him I was coming over to pick up his brother, and only his brother, hurt me. I know he's angry with me, but I also know this is fair. I guess my issue here is, I want to just love on these kids so much. I hate that he can't be with us. My mom says even if we don't see it yet, we are loving him by not allowing him to come. It's hard to realize, but I can kind of see where she's coming from. After we all parted, Luis and I joined his friends at Baja for a nice lil' time. Sunday, I skipped church to say bye to my boyfriend once again. Few hours later, I proudly watched my ten year old niece play at her Piano recital, went to Ryan's graduation festivity, and went to dinner with the entire family plus Alexis (my newest mentee). Now I'm at my desk writing this for the second time after my laptop shut off on me and erased everything I wrote. Surprisingly, I didn't curse. I am improving [:

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   During my nieces recital at the nursing home, something happened that put me in deep thought. I know, when is Araceli not in deep thought... While listening to the sweet sound of Christmas music on the piano, I noticed an old man holding his head crying for help down the hall outside of his room. After my slow brain processing what was happening, and no one else jumping up, I ran to see if he was okay. He wasn't. He bent his head down and told me he was bleeding. His white hair, was red. He asked me if I could help his wife who had fallen on the ground trying to catch the bookshelf that had fallen on her husband, which was the reason he was bleeding from his head. I ran straight to her and lifted her from the floor onto the bed as if she were as light as a baby. I don't know how that happened. I don't know where I got the strength to lift an old lady off the floor when I get tired from lifting my kindergartners. After questioning her and assuring her husband that she was going to be alright, I ran for help. The man was crying. I cannot get that sound out of my head. I cannot stop seeing his face. He was so helpless.
   I am afraid of experiencing this. No, I don't mean having a heavy bookshelf fall on me or my husband, I mean being helpless. The man was so old and weak that he couldn't even help his wife off the floor. She was so old and weak, that she couldn't help herself off the floor. She had no strength at all physically, yet she was graciously calming her husband down from the terrible position she was in on the floor.
   I cannot imagine reaching that point. I'm not sure I want to live if I am helpless. And I mean that at an old age, and young. I do not want to live relying on others for strength. I've been there mentally, and I never want to return. Physically, I am approaching faster than I can accept. Who's going to be that one person crying for me when I am helpless? Who is going to yell for help when they can no longer be strong for the both of us? Hopefully no one, because I don't want to live like that.
   I live my life constantly giving, loving, strengthening... that IS what I live for. What good am I when I can no longer do those things, for myself even? I have a feeling I will be hearing his cry for a long time now...

On a side note: It was priceless hearing my father say these words. "I knew you'd be the one to run."


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Here are a few pictures from Saturday.

Catch me.

Beautiful isn't it? When you find someone who helps you realize that you were fixable after all. Never thought that something so terrifying to my heart can be so comforting at the same time. It's like jumping ten stories into the arms of someone you so deeply care for, though there's a slight chance they wont be able to catch you the thought of being in their arms again makes it easier to fall freely. 

I love when I find things in him that help me solve the puzzle that God created between us. It's like each piece I find, I hear a part of God thinking out loud as he planned our journey together. I heard him laugh a few times when I discovered a few of the pieces, I laughed as well. Will our puzzle ever be complete? believe so. It's if we are satisfied with the completion of our puzzle that we'll never know until we find the last piece.  

I have left my ledge and I hope that you'll catch me, because I'm already falling
 -AJT

Three reasons I cannot sleep.

It's quite funny how life works out. 

You can be stuck in one situation trying to find a way to fix things, 

while God is creating a new road for you.

My thoughts tonight are random. I apologize.

ONE I've been having selfish thoughts lately that I feel guilty about. Thoughts such as: why can't I have things easier, why do I work so hard to support others and don't receive much in return, and more. These may be selfish thoughts, but I believe they're normal thoughts. Maybe knowing what I deserve in return is healthy. Though I don't have what I feel I deserve, I can work harder to get it. 

TWO As many of my readers and friends know, I had been against love for so long. I truthfully believed that I was not lovable. Not because of who I was, but because of my lack of ability to feel. Little did I know God had a huge plan coming my way. I believe I talk too much of it, so I wont mention it. I'm sure you all know what I speak of  and know now the impact it has made on me. Anyways, my whole world is based on love now. I feel for others how I've never before been able to feel. I give, and I give some more out of love. I see the true size of my heart more and more each day. Without love, my heart will fail. Without love, I have no purpose. My whole world is held together with love.

THREE There's a boy. This boy came out of no where. He caught me off guard and now I'm missing him when he's not around. I actually enjoy when he holds my hand. I like the security I feel when I'm in his arms. How did this happen? Perhaps God had created another road I wasn't aware he was creating. I think I'll like this trip.

AJT

Abigail, God's lil' messenger.

This morning was not a good time. I woke up still sick and irritated. I got to the office and things were just so out of order which drove me half insane. I was also fighting thoughts and emotions that I thought were gone forever. I guess it was just "one of those days" for me. With no motivation to get through the day, I still managed. I blasted music that a special friend provided me with, which is probably what kept me from going completely insane while stuck in traffic. I also had small talk with God about dumb things. No matter how easy God was handing things to me, like successful visits with doctors (which is what my job consists of) I still found reasons to complain and talk about with Him.
I got to the school where I sat for a few minutes to just breathe. Try and let go of the negative energy and recharge so that I would be well for the kids. I did what I could, but it wasn't until I received multiple hugs from the children that I was finally able to feel some sort of peace.  

And then this little princess came and sat next to me on the floor and said "Ms. Araceli, today's another day and tomorrow is another one too." Then she got up and went to run around with the other kindergarten kids. How good is our God? He sent me a beautiful little girl full of life to remind me that, today is just another day, and tomorrow will be another one. It was then that I got things together and was okay for the rest of the day. I think for a while, every time things get a little crazy, I'll see Abigail's face.

Heart problems.

I cannot seem to catch up with my heart. It is in so many places these days. The second I come near, it jumps elsewhere. I wish it would slow down. Give me time to understand it's destination each time. Give me time to accept it's decisions and cravings, but it wont. I feel no need to get angry or cry for help. My heart will forever have a mind of it's own, and I trust it. Who am I to come in-between my heart and it's desires? I am no one. A day will come when it finds a place it wants to cling to forever, and when that day comes the marathon I feel I am running will come to an end and we will all be at peace.

Psalms 37:4 

Delight yourself in the Lord 

and he shall give you the desires of your heart.

Do something.

  We each have more power to change things then we realize.

So, what are you doing to change

our world? It's never too late to start. We were gifted hands to lend to each other, feet to run towards the cries, and a voice to speak for those who can't or won't. There's help needed all around us. Stop ignoring it. Before you close your eyes to dream, say a simple prayer for those in need of much more than you know how to give. We are all family. We all need each other.

         

Miss me yet?

Been incredibly busy. I apologize for my absence, but I promise I have a good reason. Life's been nuts !!!! Wouldn't change a thing about it though. Well, maybe.. nahhh. I trust that Things are exactly as they should be. I'll get around to writing here or transferring entries from my physical journal, PROMISE ! Also, I would love to take requests for entries once again. Or if you happen to be dealing with something and want my opinion, I could do those again too. Let me know yo !

Here are a few photos to signify some of the changes in my life since I last updated you all here.

There's more events to fill you all in on, but I've lost focus.


Goodbye for now !