Same routine. Different situation.

Complete turn around on my emotions.
I always do this to myself.
I know what I deserve, but I give myself less.
When will I ever allow myself to feel?

I cannot stop dreaming of the day I leave Texas for good.

I don't belong here.

Quiet Early Morning.

What is it about the night that's so intriguing? Is it not possible that I can find peace while the sun is fully awake? People... Such a love-hate relationship I have with people. There's too many of them standing in my way during the daylight. At night it's possible for me to hear the little creatures. You know, the ones you know are around but don't get to perceive when people hinder your opportunity to. At night I have the opportunity to listen to my own thoughts and harmonize them. I can hear the travelers speed to their next destination and put a story to their path. I feel that I connect better with nature when I'm lightly connected to the madness of others.
It's not that I don't appreciate what the sunlight can give and show, I just like the stillness of the night. I like not being able to see so clearly, but yet so perfectly. I enjoy putting extra effort into discovering and understanding my surroundings. During the day a stray dog will be a stray dog, but at night it could be a coyote or a mountain lion. During the day a falling leaf will be a falling leaf, but at night it could be a beautiful butterfly. During the day I might be just another human being walking the same grounds as many others, but at night, I can be anything I want to be. The night is just so tranquil. Personally, I don't care for the sun. The stars and the moon give me the perfect amount of light while also making everything in the world glow so elegantly.

                                                                            -AJT
I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written here. I've been spending lots of time filling the pages of my journal. I'll transfer entrys soon maybe.

I Am Yours

I wrote this yesterday morning in my journal, thought I'd share it with y'all.

   It's 5:16 in the morning and I'm awake. My dog woke me up maybe a little over an hour ago because he needed to pee. Frustrated because I absolutely HATE being woken up, I still take him out. It felt wonderful outside so I decided to take a seat and waited until he was done sniffing and rolling around trying to find a perfect place to empty his bladder. I looked up at the stars and immediately got lost in thought.

It amazes me how great of an artist our God is. Every detail about the setting my dog forced me in was beautiful. The sound, the look, the feel, all of it. Every single one of those stars in the black sky was placed in it's spot for a reason by our amazing God himself. Why? Only he knows. Some are brighter, some sparkle more, some appear bigger or smaller than others, but they're all so beautiful.

   All this thought on the stars got me thinking about the human kind. We were all given different features, different sound of voices, different personalities, and we were all placed in our spots in this world for some purpose. What that purpose is, only He truthfully knows. Each of us are so different, but yet so beautiful in our very own ways. We are all works of art created by Him. I continued thinking, what's my purpose? Who was I created to become? I feel that my heart is in so many places with all of the things that I so dearly love and want to love. Are those things in his plan though?

   I do not deserve to be surrounded with such beauty. I am so many things that He wouldn't be, and I do so many things that He would never do. So why do I still breathe? Why did I wake up today, and yesterday, and hundreds of days ago? Why do I still have a purpose? Though at times these thoughts take over my mind, and at times I may feel unworthy, I am worthy of so much. I am a walking piece of art created by my God. There are plenty of people walking by me in His gallery observing me and passing judgement, but I am a piece of art. Only the artist truthfully knows the meaning and purpose behind his art. And one day, I'll understand it too.

After smiling at the sight of a shooting star, or a meteoroid passing through earths atmosphere, I realized that I've been lost. Observing nature and learning more about life though these things is where my heart's journey first began. This is exactly what makes me happy and keeps me at peace. Where have I been? When did I lose myself...again?

   5:48 in the early, dark, quiet, and peaceful morning. I'm ready to lay my head back down. This time, I'm at peace. Good morning, journal.

-AJT

I have to go.

I've never wanted to pack up and run as much as I do right now.

It's not about what I'm running from, but what I'm running to.

I'm ready to go.

December 19th, 2010
        ...PERFECT...

                                        





                                                                                                           July 11th, 2011
                                                                                                                   One day...

I broke every single one of my rules for you. And now I'm left here capturing photos of moments others share, that I wanted to share with you. I dream through a single photo. And I hurt when I return to reality. I don't know how to handle these emotions. I've never allowed myself to get this far with anyone. This is nothing like the routine I've lived for years. This is completely different. The only thing I'm sure of, is that this will never happen again. I'll make my way past this and never, never, let my heart run free again. Not if this is what it's like...

I like to sit outside and observe different parts of nature and imagine what they could be according to what they look like. Like, old crumbled up leaves looking like toads. Shadows from the trees looking like huge monsters. Or what I'm sure everyone has done, looking at the clouds and seeing what animals are floating above us. I wonder if this is what God does when he looks down at us. If he sees what we could be rather than what we are.

I had this really cool idea, but turns out I suck at being in my own pictures.

This was the only one I liked and I took a million.

I'll just stay behind the camera from now on.

I want what they have.

   After an awkward set of emotions, I decided to stay in tonight as all my amigos went out on a shindig I planned. I laid my head on my mommy's lap as we watched Three's Company, our show. Randomly, having no connection to what was taking place on the show, my mother says in a soft tone:

"You know, I will never leave your father. No matter the things he does to annoy me, no matter how big any fight, I will never leave him. He is such a wonderful man. He loves his children very much, and though I don't deserve it, he has given me the world. I would do anything for my kids you guys mean so much to me, but your father is my rock, my everything. There's no way I could live happily without him."

   Instantly the tears came flowing. I tried to keep them from hitting her knees so that she wouldn't know that I was crying. I quickly replied with a "thank you". I know, maybe I could have said more. I'm sure she was confused, but it's what seemed right. I could of said "I know momma, he's an amazing person. I love him too." But really, I was just thankful for so many reasons. I'm thankful that the two of them never gave up on each other. I'm thankful that my momma can sit and just think about her love for my daddy. I'm thankful that the two of them have showed me what real love is. Thirty seven years they've committed to each other. Thirty seven long, but short years.
   I don't know what this love feels like. I am not exactly sure how to take care of it once, or if it ever finds me. One things for sure, I know that it exists. And I know that my parents will show me the way. I am truly blessed to have my parents. Extremely blessed to have them still together.