Broken&Confused

And just as fast as my eyes witnessed your wrongs, my heart was shattered. How could you do this to me? I gave you everything I had to offer ! Could it be that it wasn't enough ?

Easy on the heart

Highlight of my day; being called your wife multiple times.

So close, but so far.

Where's my love and support when I need it?

Goodbye Hello

Life's changed drastically in just a couple of days. I left everything I've ever known to start something new with the man holding my heart. It's great being here with him, but it isn't easy not being there with them. Will this ever become comfortable? I hope.
The only thing keeping me going is you. Your laugh, the sound of your breathing as you sleep, the kisses at the time of day that I wasn't able to receive when we were apart, and just the comfort of knowing you're here. My good morning texts have turned into good morning/goodbye kisses as you leave for work and I love them, but I'll miss the texts. This is life.. This is my NEW life.

Change of plans

And just like that, it all falls apart...

Uninvited

The words "I love you" can be said and felt a million times, but it's that one time that it's not said when it's needed that can change everything.

Complete

Tonight, I've realized, that I am part of your world now. This might be one of the best feelings I've felt in a really long time. I love you.

Dead Dreams

What creates one's dreams and goals? Have you ever thought about it? We find that the very things we are interested in, are part of that dream, that's a given, but why? Why is our mind and emotions attracted to this one dream we created ? Or did we? Perhaps we had no choice in what we would dream about becoming. Some would say that God built that dream, path, destiny. What if he didn't though? Or if he did, why have so many of us never seen that dream come true ? Perhaps in another life.

Today, it's mine.

Why is it that I feel cheated ? 

As if all the things in life that should have been mine, I'm being forced to share or forget. 

Is this me being selfish? 

Perhaps it was never meant to be mine to begin with. 

Today, I will pretend...

 

And tomorrow I'll still dream.

Needed Support

You know that tickling feeling that starts in your neck and sinks to the bottom of your stomach? It usually comes when your feelings are hurt and your heart is aching... I hate this feeling. I hate feeling more comfortable somewhere I'm wanted, but don't belong rather than somewhere I belong, but am not wanted. When will this end? When will I be wanted again where I belong ? Hopefully not when it's too late.. When I'm already gone.

I appreciate the love and SUPPORT I get from him. How is it so obvious to all friends that he is the one for me and this is the happiest I've ever been, but to the ones who's opinions matter most, they can't see it enough to support our love on this new level. Is it that they don't want to see it? As if seeing it meant letting go ? I need answers, comfort, love, prayer, assistance, but most of all I need support. And I need it from THEM.

Forbidden Comfort.

I always miss my old friends, lifestyle, and who I was back then, that's nothing new. I've realized though, that it's not until for a minute, or thousands of them, that I lose all connection with the feeling or memory I molded of what's left that I start to go insane. I lose control of my thoughts, and I search and search for any way to connect again to "home" so that I can breathe again. They say home is where the heart is, but why is home so dangerous for me?

Big step. Right direction ?

Today, I made one of the biggest decisions I've ever made. I couldn't be any more excited.

Perfectly Imperfect Relationship

Love isn't going to be perfect at all times. Actually, love is going to be perfectly imperfect always. The two of you are going to disagree with each other here and there and feelings are going to be hurt sometimes. What matters is how the two of you come together to fix things. It's impossible to move past a situation if the want to talk things out to better understand each other isn't mutual. Its the way you two handle each situation that allows your love to grow.

AJT

Life Sentence

Hurt shouldn't pile up like this inside of someone. No one good deserves to suffocate beneath pain on top of pain. You should have time to breathe, time to scream it all out until it no longer exists. Unfortunately some of us are stuck fighting for the end of this pain. No one will ever understand, and that's okay. No one good would ever wish this kind of hurt on anyone. They say talking helps, but I'm not sure how annoying people with your problems they'd never be able to fix anyways is helpful. Stay strong my people, stay strong..

My heart cries for her.

  "Ms. Araceli, do you have kids? I want to adopt so someone can be loved that isn't wanted like me at one time, and I don't want to get married because I want to keep my last name to remember my dad who hung himself, which by the way I saw. Getting married is too complicated anyways. All you do is fight and cry then someone leaves. I don't want to be married." -3rd grader.
 A conversation I had with a child today over some frozen treats is haunting my mind. The stories she openly told me, the things she's seen and experienced, my heart cries over. Why is it that some parents don't realize, or care to realize that their decisions drastically impact their children's lives. This little girl has lost hope at such a young age because of the lifestyle she was born into. This is in no way fair at all. Why?
   I made her promise me that she would promise herself to make good decisions in life. I told her that when she is old enough to make her own decisions, her life will be less "complicated" if that's what she strives for. We talked more about life and how things aren't always so easy, we shared secrets, and some laughs. When we arrived to 36, which is what she refers home to, she so kindly thanked me for listening and walked into 36. She's only a third grader, her life is so unfair.
 

Thank you for loving me.

  It's a huge change going from someone who couldn't commit, to enjoying the thought of yourself in a beautiful white dress looking into the eyes of the man you love. It's so comforting not worrying about him leaving the next day or in a year or two. I know he loves me just as much as I love him, and it's an incredible feeling. Our relationship is amazingly healthy. How did I become so deserving of such a wonderful man? And why is it that I am being told that I have turned him into that amazing man? I did nothing but love him for keeping me so strong since he's been in my life. 

    I cannot imagine a single day without this man in my life. I mean that literally. I cannot picture myself without him, it will just not work in my mind. He is who I am supposed to grow old with, and no one can say anything differently. We will be the old couple holding hands that gives everyone a secret smile in their hearts. I am sure of this, I am sure of our love.

Luis Montero, estoy tan enamorada de ti. 

Tu eres el amor de mi vida.

Find me if you can.

  I feel so numb to it all. As if I were watching a movie and not actually living it. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of needing to feel.

This constant struggle for finding my comfort drains me more and more each day. Who can fix this? Who can give me a steady heart beat?

The answer is me.

But where am I?

Suspending my existence sounds wonderful, but unlikely.

Goodbye

Venting.

   I'm so drained.. emotionally and physically. Worst part is that it isn't going to get any easier for me for a while. I'm working so much and going to school aside from other things that are also important, but not for me. Everything I am doing, I am doing for those who are looking up to me. I have dreams and plans for the little ones so close to my heart. I know I have this thick layer of skin, and I know I walk around like I can take on the world, but this is me telling you, all my readers, that I am weak without the ones that I love. I miss seeing my friends. I miss the family I no longer see. Most of all, I miss my boys. I miss the hugs, the laughs we share, the inside jokes, the stupid little fights, McDonalds EVERY Tuesday, the little attitudes.. I miss just being in the same room as them. I miss the stress free lifestyle I used to live. I miss being completely numb to emotion. I just miss my life, but this IS my life for now. I have to better myself to better peoples futures that I plan on bettering.
   With all of that said and on the table, I am not weak. I am in the palm of an amazing father. He assures me everyday that I am just that much closer to peace. He never promised that their wouldn't be hard times, but He did promise in the book of Hebrews that he would NEVER leave me, nor forsake me. I believe Him, and I trust in Him. I may stress throughout the day, almost every day.. but at the end of the day, I know I have nothing to worry about. I am loved.

Anyone, please.. help.

  I miss a piece of my normality. I miss the piece that allowed me to be capable of loving long term. I'm loving, but from afar. I'm loving, but how long will love last? Is my world shareable ? I just want to find this piece that I miss so much. Until I find this piece, I will continue to hurt others. There's a slight chance I am forever parted from the only piece of normality that I WANT. Anyone... please help. I'm hurting him.