Suspending my existence sounds wonderful, but unlikely.

Goodbye

Venting.

   I'm so drained.. emotionally and physically. Worst part is that it isn't going to get any easier for me for a while. I'm working so much and going to school aside from other things that are also important, but not for me. Everything I am doing, I am doing for those who are looking up to me. I have dreams and plans for the little ones so close to my heart. I know I have this thick layer of skin, and I know I walk around like I can take on the world, but this is me telling you, all my readers, that I am weak without the ones that I love. I miss seeing my friends. I miss the family I no longer see. Most of all, I miss my boys. I miss the hugs, the laughs we share, the inside jokes, the stupid little fights, McDonalds EVERY Tuesday, the little attitudes.. I miss just being in the same room as them. I miss the stress free lifestyle I used to live. I miss being completely numb to emotion. I just miss my life, but this IS my life for now. I have to better myself to better peoples futures that I plan on bettering.
   With all of that said and on the table, I am not weak. I am in the palm of an amazing father. He assures me everyday that I am just that much closer to peace. He never promised that their wouldn't be hard times, but He did promise in the book of Hebrews that he would NEVER leave me, nor forsake me. I believe Him, and I trust in Him. I may stress throughout the day, almost every day.. but at the end of the day, I know I have nothing to worry about. I am loved.

Anyone, please.. help.

  I miss a piece of my normality. I miss the piece that allowed me to be capable of loving long term. I'm loving, but from afar. I'm loving, but how long will love last? Is my world shareable ? I just want to find this piece that I miss so much. Until I find this piece, I will continue to hurt others. There's a slight chance I am forever parted from the only piece of normality that I WANT. Anyone... please help. I'm hurting him.

Helpless Cries.

   My weekend was pretty interesting. Interesting because of all the little things that took place. I am the type of person that will remember things that most seem to forget. Like the looks from people we get when the kids are just being who they are, the amount of curse words my best friend says in a sentence, when the tightness of a hug changes between you and someone special, or the sounds I hear during a special moment. I believe that all little things make up the obvious.
   Friday I was ready to rage. I had worked so hard throughout the week that all I was ready to do was have fun. That was a fail. I ended up in bed cuddled up with my thoughts earlier that I had expected. Saturday was great. I had made plans that I canceled as soon as I got the opportunity to be with some of my boys. I received a text from Ryan telling me to meet at Bethesda Christian School as soon as possible for his brothers basketball game, so I did. twelve minutes late I arrived to Bubba talking very loudly about the fat lady across the gym, I love him. I taught Hector how to tie his shoes. That was a type of special that I cannot even begin to explain. After we ate a quick lunch, I picked up Houston and my camera then met the boys up at the Garden of Prayer where we took on the trail. We also hiked up to the railroad tracks where I watched the boys throw rocks at a pole. After Fer sat on a cactus, we decided it was time to go back to my house and just play the Wii and run ten miles an hour on my treadmill. Luis met up with us there, which was special to me. I don't know how else to let him in but to involve him in the things that mean so much to me. That is a different story though.Though we were enjoying our time together, my heart was hurting. Hurting because I had to leave Tony, Houston's big brother, at home. His actions lately haven't been the best, and because of that he isn't allowed to join us. Telling him I was coming over to pick up his brother, and only his brother, hurt me. I know he's angry with me, but I also know this is fair. I guess my issue here is, I want to just love on these kids so much. I hate that he can't be with us. My mom says even if we don't see it yet, we are loving him by not allowing him to come. It's hard to realize, but I can kind of see where she's coming from. After we all parted, Luis and I joined his friends at Baja for a nice lil' time. Sunday, I skipped church to say bye to my boyfriend once again. Few hours later, I proudly watched my ten year old niece play at her Piano recital, went to Ryan's graduation festivity, and went to dinner with the entire family plus Alexis (my newest mentee). Now I'm at my desk writing this for the second time after my laptop shut off on me and erased everything I wrote. Surprisingly, I didn't curse. I am improving [:

----------

   During my nieces recital at the nursing home, something happened that put me in deep thought. I know, when is Araceli not in deep thought... While listening to the sweet sound of Christmas music on the piano, I noticed an old man holding his head crying for help down the hall outside of his room. After my slow brain processing what was happening, and no one else jumping up, I ran to see if he was okay. He wasn't. He bent his head down and told me he was bleeding. His white hair, was red. He asked me if I could help his wife who had fallen on the ground trying to catch the bookshelf that had fallen on her husband, which was the reason he was bleeding from his head. I ran straight to her and lifted her from the floor onto the bed as if she were as light as a baby. I don't know how that happened. I don't know where I got the strength to lift an old lady off the floor when I get tired from lifting my kindergartners. After questioning her and assuring her husband that she was going to be alright, I ran for help. The man was crying. I cannot get that sound out of my head. I cannot stop seeing his face. He was so helpless.
   I am afraid of experiencing this. No, I don't mean having a heavy bookshelf fall on me or my husband, I mean being helpless. The man was so old and weak that he couldn't even help his wife off the floor. She was so old and weak, that she couldn't help herself off the floor. She had no strength at all physically, yet she was graciously calming her husband down from the terrible position she was in on the floor.
   I cannot imagine reaching that point. I'm not sure I want to live if I am helpless. And I mean that at an old age, and young. I do not want to live relying on others for strength. I've been there mentally, and I never want to return. Physically, I am approaching faster than I can accept. Who's going to be that one person crying for me when I am helpless? Who is going to yell for help when they can no longer be strong for the both of us? Hopefully no one, because I don't want to live like that.
   I live my life constantly giving, loving, strengthening... that IS what I live for. What good am I when I can no longer do those things, for myself even? I have a feeling I will be hearing his cry for a long time now...

On a side note: It was priceless hearing my father say these words. "I knew you'd be the one to run."


----------
Here are a few pictures from Saturday.

Catch me.

Beautiful isn't it? When you find someone who helps you realize that you were fixable after all. Never thought that something so terrifying to my heart can be so comforting at the same time. It's like jumping ten stories into the arms of someone you so deeply care for, though there's a slight chance they wont be able to catch you the thought of being in their arms again makes it easier to fall freely. 

I love when I find things in him that help me solve the puzzle that God created between us. It's like each piece I find, I hear a part of God thinking out loud as he planned our journey together. I heard him laugh a few times when I discovered a few of the pieces, I laughed as well. Will our puzzle ever be complete? believe so. It's if we are satisfied with the completion of our puzzle that we'll never know until we find the last piece.  

I have left my ledge and I hope that you'll catch me, because I'm already falling
 -AJT

Three reasons I cannot sleep.

It's quite funny how life works out. 

You can be stuck in one situation trying to find a way to fix things, 

while God is creating a new road for you.

My thoughts tonight are random. I apologize.

ONE I've been having selfish thoughts lately that I feel guilty about. Thoughts such as: why can't I have things easier, why do I work so hard to support others and don't receive much in return, and more. These may be selfish thoughts, but I believe they're normal thoughts. Maybe knowing what I deserve in return is healthy. Though I don't have what I feel I deserve, I can work harder to get it. 

TWO As many of my readers and friends know, I had been against love for so long. I truthfully believed that I was not lovable. Not because of who I was, but because of my lack of ability to feel. Little did I know God had a huge plan coming my way. I believe I talk too much of it, so I wont mention it. I'm sure you all know what I speak of  and know now the impact it has made on me. Anyways, my whole world is based on love now. I feel for others how I've never before been able to feel. I give, and I give some more out of love. I see the true size of my heart more and more each day. Without love, my heart will fail. Without love, I have no purpose. My whole world is held together with love.

THREE There's a boy. This boy came out of no where. He caught me off guard and now I'm missing him when he's not around. I actually enjoy when he holds my hand. I like the security I feel when I'm in his arms. How did this happen? Perhaps God had created another road I wasn't aware he was creating. I think I'll like this trip.

AJT