well daaamnnn

muuaahahaha

lame

I saw you in somebody tonight, I almost broke.
Tonight I found out I'll have to see you with somebody.
I was hoping for a laugh after a joke.
It shouldn't be this way.
This isn't fair.
Your actions fail to meet you words.
You're hiding behind doors as if you don't care.
When will you be back?
When will you stop pretending?
I need you back, I need my life on track.

So many questions.

...Continued

   I'm having a hard time figuring out why I am the way that I am. I've been questioning myself for days now. Finding things out that for so long I've been blind to. This is all good though, I need to figure myself out a little more. I'm so confused, but I truly believe that this is worth it.
   I want to be able to be completely open when I blog. I've been writing daily since I was about 11 or 12. At first I would just write about my day, then as I got older I learned to use writing as therapy. I couldn't say the things I would write to people because I would be looked at weird. Now, I could care less how I'm viewed. The weirder the better. I'm different, I'm unique, I'm nothing like anyone I've met. I have a mind of my own, and my mind has always seemed to get me into trouble.
   I would love to have someone to share the same mind as me. Someone who could read me easily because I'm terrible at explaining myself. I cannot have that though. At least not now. I'm realizing that my lack of will to commit could be a bigger problem then I thought. I don't want to be alone forever, although I am perfectly okay on my own. I want to be loved one day. I want to wake up to the same person everyday. I want to have someone to look forward to seeing when I come home. I want to crave someones touch. I cannot have that though. At least not now.
   As I stated in my conversation that I posted in my last entry, I'm missing something. I'm missing whatever it is that will help me make a relationship successful. Or am I? I keep questioning myself... I keep tying knots in my head. Why? Why now? Since I can remember, I've had the same stupid routine. I find someone new, get to know them, jump into things too quick, then when things begin to settle, I cut off my feelings and bounce. Then with some, they come back and I convince myself that maybe I can do it this time... never works. So once again I leave someone with a wounded heart. I hate this. I hate that I do this over and over again. Why do I keep trying to convince myself that I can make a relationship work if I am perfectly happy with being alone? Why can't I just be alone!?
   Not long ago, I grew feelings for someone. And not even thinking about what I was getting us both into, I went for it simply because it felt right. My every move was made on what felt right. For the first time EVER, I wasn't questioning myself. I wasn't observing my every move to see when the time was coming that I had to start pushing away. I didn't want to push away. As I also stated in my last entry, I thoroughly enjoy my distance from whoever I'm involved with, but with him I hated the distance. I needed him. I never needed a guy before, but I wasn't afraid. It wasn't long before I realized what was going on. I was actually falling for someone. I felt amazingly positive about whatever we were. I cared more about this person than the guy I was supposed to have a child with. Why wasn't I questioning this? Why am I still not questioning this...
    I'm missing something. Even when I had it all at my fingertips, I couldn't make it work, or even stay at that. What am I missing? Whatever it is... I'll keep trusting that I'll find it. HE wouldn't allow me to feel this way just to have it ripped out my hands again. I lost something precious to me once already. I won't be alone forever. Until I figure things out, I think I'm better off not having chances with peoples hearts that don't have a piece of mine. After all, if their heart isn't the heart that's connected to mine, then we're just wasting time.

    -AJT

Conversation strikes a point.

I had a conversation with a friend today, and I'd love to write about it after work.
( I start the conversation, then my friend follows and so on.)

Me: Anndd, I'm just questioning myself a lot. And how I work in relationships. realizing a lot. 

Friend: romantic relationships?

yes

hmm this sounds interesting. share more

I'm missing something

And I dont know if it's something I need to find, or if it's something I just wont ever have because I'm not meant to.

But I need this something to make a relationship work.

I always say I don't want to get married and I don't care to commit to someone even now, but yet I don't want to be alone at all times.

I enjoy the company of a man, but long term... I cant seem to make that work even in my head.

i've noticed some of this

i feel very similar to that at times

I don't know how people talk about marriage. In my head, it's just a big no. I wasn't hurt in the past to make me not want a real relationship or anything. My parents have been married 37 years so I'm not damaged by a separation in the family. I've always fallen back back on the excuse that I'm just different. what if it's just that? An excuse... I want a reason. 

it might be

i'm not opposed to marriage. i mean for my age yeah, definitely

i just feel like i'm always gonna be alone ha.

we're both weirdos 

I enjoy being different to an extent. 

true. me too, but but only to a point

do you enjoy being in relationships?

For a little bit

I enjoy the thought of "belonging" to someone. I like caring for someone. Doing little things to keep them smiling. I like late nights on the couch in front of the tv with the same person rather than different people. I like thinking that I have the potential to fall in love.

Then things get messy, and I get distant. I'm over the first couple of months and my mind goes nuts. I realize that I'm going to hurt this person more if i stay with them any longer and I leave.

I never get hurt, I always hurt people. And lately I've been wondering why its always the same people trying to get with me, and I realized it's because I leave so suddenly without closure. I cut off my feelings naturally, but theirs remain. 

why do you think you do that? lose interest?

and same people trying to get with you?

Ex's, last flings, ect.

I don't know why I do that. It's been a routine for me and I guess it's almost natural now.

haha yeahhh those type of people tend to stick around and see if they can rekindle things

maybe you just havent dated anyone worth changing for

I've met someone that made me not think about the future. Made me extremely happy in the moment. It wasn't about commitment with that person, it was about pure happiness. I wanted to see that person every day. talk to them all day long. Usually, I thoroughly enjoy my distance. With him, I hated distance. That is completely unusual for me. He gave me hope I guess. And now I keep questioning myself lol.

lol is he still in the picture?

Not as I would like for him to be.

a little confused. what would you like from him?

bc right now sounds pretty sweet. minus you questioning yourself

He's committed to someone else now.

But he's still a great part of my life.

ohhh i'm sorry to hear that babe

No need.

you're amazing. haha u just have to accept someone amazing to be there for you

Only if it feels right.

of course

probably avoid scabs 

I'll be shamelessly open later.

To be continued... 

Together It's Possible.

I've been wanting to blog for days about people I've come encounter with, but I couldn't remember my point to my story lol.

   I had the costumer from hell last Tuesday. Literally ruined my whole shift. He was upset over little things. Little things that were fixable. He was miserable and he was pulling me down with him for those whole 45 minutes that he was sitting in my section. As angry and annoyed as I was with this man, I kept trying to convince myself that he really was a human being underneath the jerk attire. I get that all of our lives are different. Some of us are more less-fortunate than others, but life really isn't that bad. Look around you, it's beautiful. The phone sitting next to me stating that I have a text message from my best friend...beautiful. Our friendship isn't nearly as strong as it once was, but the fact that he can still text me.. beautiful. The paintbrushes waiting to touch the canvas, beautiful. Am I the only one who sees this? Is my mind that different? Maybe all this man needed was to find passion and comfort in something. Maybe his busy life held together by his smart-phone needed love, passion, and comfort.
   The day after, I went to JCPennys before work in the morning to purchase a new pair of work pants and I left my phone is the fitting room. It didnt hit me that I left it there until later that day during my break. Immediately I called the store to see if someone had turned it in, and someone did. It's the little things in life like this that people can do to give you hope. Her name was Sonia, she was sweet. I tipped her for proving to me that there is hope for this world. Money might not have been much, but I didn't think my smile was big enough to show her how grateful I was. It's not about the phone, it's about a good heart. It's about meeting one more person who can help bring this world together again.
   It's beautiful that Sonia's random act of kindness erased the negative feelings I had for that man. It's crazy that Sonia's name stuck to me because she made a positive impact of my day, but that I didnt even care to know this mans name. I usually look at the credit cards and thank my guest by name. I didn't even think about looking at his name...
   I'll let this story make it's own point I guess. Might just be a waste of time for you to have read this, or maybe you'll want to make someones day soon. Feel free to bring me some chocolate covered gummy bears to the olive garden. You'll definitely make my day (:
  I have so much more to blog about, but I'll do it tomorrow. I can't focus anymore.

-AJT

Ohh my thoughts..

Another day alone? Or another secret made to be unknown? How do you pick? How do you actually know what the best decision is for your future when things are constantly changing?

Truth is, I'm constantly screwing up. I suck at making decisions. I hurt people when I do what seems "better" for me in the moment. But at the end of the day, I somehow manage to keep smiling. I make decisions for the moment. And it seems to sometimes bite me in the ass, but in the moment I'm happy. And in the next too. Am I living correctly? Is there even a "correct" way to live? I'll never understand, but I'll keep living in the moment. Hopefully in the long run I'll still be happy.


I'm sorry if I've hurt you, but I'm happy. And I'll never be able to make anyone else happy unless I myself am happy. You should follow.

Different note

I hate what I was brought up in. I hate expecting more than what I have. In some sense I appreciate what I have because either my parents have worked their ass off to give it to me, or I have worked hard to get what I have. But, why did I need a brand new car? Why couldn't I settle for just some car that would get me around? I hate that I put a value on different material things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not high maintenance. I do not NEED luxury things, but I "know" their value. There are people in different countries who would be happy to even have someone to make them smile. They don't need to buy things to entertain them, they will make their own entertainment. I want to know what it's like to have nothing but still feel like I have everything. My daddy calls me crazy all the time, but I would kill to move away to some other country and live in nothing and become something. I want to learn to appreciate what I have even more. I want to move back home and feel rich with just someone to make me smile.

That is all. Peace out.

  -AJT