Been so long...

   Wow. So much has happened since I was able to write last. I had the best Birthday ever, the one person I was truly connected with gave up on our friendship, got accepted to a college I probably wont end up going to, drove in a forming tornado, put my dog to sleep, and soooo much more. I couldn't begin to catch you all up now.
   I will say that I continue to change on a daily basis. For the better of course. I stopped living strictly for others and began doing more of the things that make ME happy. The ones that truly mattered, were sure to stick around. The ones who didn't, sadly walked away. I'm okay with that though. I don't believe on giving up on relationships. We all have those times in life when we do things that aren't true to who we are, but that doesn't mean we should be kicked to the curb and labeled as worthless. We should be fought for. I believe in working on whats been damaged and growing stronger with that person. That is how strong bonds are formed. Unless of course, they never learn. You cannot help someone who cannot eventually help themselves.


I have more to share, but I do not feel comfortable writing in this environment. So, until next time readers,


-AJT

.......

I have so much to say, but I might as well write a book because it would take that much to share and fully explain. Tonight maybe? When I'm alone and have had a drink or two to loosen up. Maybe then I can let my mind speak.

I Love You

Ohhh my daddy...

My daddy is THE best ! He rushes home on his lunch break all the way from the DFW airport to catch me before I get on the road for Padre. As he walks in the door, forgetting to shut it, he calls for me. There's nothing like hearing my daddy call for his "beebz" even if I'm no longer 5. He greets me with a smile and a "great you're still here !" He throws out all these directions on how to get there the "safe but longer" way as if I'd even remember all of this once he's done AND "safe" isn't exactly any part of my life, ever. Him being my daddy, he pauses and says "I forget how dyslexic you are, you won't remember any of this. Just look it up." Haha, he knows me. The man tried teaching me how to properly flow with a wave so that I don't drown.... really dad?  He then hugs me, asks me to be as careful as I can for him, and hands me a check of a grand. (Shut up) Not even 5 minutes after he walks out the door, he calls me to tell me that he's so proud to call me his daughter. He talks to me about how talented I am, how beautiful he thinks my mind is, and how he can't wait to see the pictures I take when I get home. I love my daddy so much. How is it that someone like me can be this blessed? I don't deserve you daddy.

Always gonna be your lil' Beebz.

Promise. 

P.s. Thank you...

Apparently..

Hands have been my thing today. I mean, look at all I've done today...

Ehh??

If you read this, I wish you'd talk to me. "Cutes" misses you AND I need to know that you're okay. I'm truly sorry that someone I trusted, we trusted, did this to you. I had to find out the hard way... 

And even when I'm sure, I'm wrong.

And the worst part is, I don't know why you did it...

And of all people... you?

Why you?

Since when did the definition of friendship change?

What is it about people these days that make it so easy for me to lose trust in them? I was blind to this situation. And now I look stupid. I FEEL stupid. I put every inch of my trust in someone who so easily proved their value to me. A nickle, a cent for each one of us that you shamelessly played. You played us well though. Especially me. Thank you for making it easy for me to close the door. Guilt will catch up to you soon, and I hope that it chews through violently.

Lovely Day.

It's been a few years since I've been able to spend a whole day with my mother for mother's day. It's been such an amazing day. It's moments like this that reassure me that I made the right decision leaving Ollive Garden. I needed this. I needed this time to remind me of who I am. These two women both played a great role as my mother. Yes, that is my sister Nancy, but growing up she was more of a second mom than a sister. We are 15 years apart, and with that huge gap my sister had already been though all the things that she knew I would be facing soon. So she made SURE that I couldn't lie to my parents about where I was really going and what I was really going to do. She was a HUGE party pooper, but she's saved me from many situations. Thank you sis.

I hope everyone had a wonderful day !

Let me teach you.

With no one to vent to, I rely on these keys to tell my story.

Why is it that these past two weeks I've been so emotional? Is it because I've been pushed over edge and I'm out of supplies to cover these wounds still left open? I feel as if all these eyes are watching me with confusion as I finally break. I was as strong as I could be for a great amount of time. Can I not be weak in this moment so that I can call on my Father for support? I'm human. I need to feel. I need to hurt. I need to fall. I'm not falling because I've been hurt, I'm falling because I've carried more weight than I should have been allowed to, but I had to. I had to in order to keep those that I so dearly care about happy. Happy... such a powerful gift to feel. I know that I am happy. Though at times it's hard to tell hiding behind a tired soul, it still runs through my body. I feel it in the simplest of times. Like when you smile at me. Or when I feel the melody in my heart. It's still there, there's no need to try and convince myself to believe.


When even the warmest time of the year feels cold, please believe that you can call on me. I'll teach you the ways of the trees and the flowers. I'll translate the language that the moon speaks. I'll show you how the ducks love and how the clouds tell a story. Trust me, there's more than just the obvious that can help you believe. I'll teach you to breathe though the hideous ways of man. Let's share a beer by the water and bet on how many fish are actually in the sea. Though we'll never really know, we can dream. I am new to you and you to me, but I can tell that our minds have the potential to be as one. Maybe our hearts. Forget that opinions even exist and lets get high off of each others company. Just for right now, run with me. And if it feels right we can run into eternity. I was where you are now. Hanging onto the very same ledge with barely any strength left to hold on. I had to learn that it's easier to just let go. Let me teach you to flow with the wind and trust that where it lands you is where your next journey is meant to start. And when your coldest nights turn warm once again, I will leave you be... unless you ask me to stay.


This day should have been my first to celebrate with my little one. Someday my love, we'll be reunited in His kingdom. 

Esta mujer es mi vida.

She's a lover. She's a giver. She's a fighter. She's a yeller. She's a believer. She's a dreamer. She's an adviser. She's a cuddler. She's a defender. She's a joker. She's a hugger. She's a discipliner. She's a healer. She's a talker. She's a singer. She's a dancer. She's a distracter. She's an encourager. She's an exciter. She's a directer.  She's a forgiver. She's a pushover. She's a daughter. She's an embracer. She's an admitter. She's a driller. She's a disapprover. She's a cleaner. She's a sinner. She's a laugher. She's an accuser. She's a prayer. She's a supplier. She's a complainer. She's an adventurer.She's a trooper. She's an admirer. She's an arguer. She's a challenger. She's a churchgoer. She's a faultfinder. She's an eavesdropper. She's an overachiever. She's a fibber. She's a helper. She's a keeper. She's a gardener. She's a listener. She's a nagger. She's a worker. She's an organizer. She's a peacemaker. She's a partner. She's a questioner. She's a reminder. She's a supporter. She's a worrier. She's a mother. She's MY mother, and without her there's no telling who I'd be. She's made me into a reflection of her. And because of that, I am beautiful and strong.

Ama, recuerdas de esta dia? 

This Christmas day, 4 years ago, you sat me down and told me how proud you were of me.

You told me to never look in the mirror and be unhappy with what I see, because what I see is who God made me to be and the things that were changeable would change in time. 

Momma, I am beautiful because you taught me to be beautiful.

Thank you for never letting me feel less than what I am. 

No se que voy a ser sin ti mommy. 

Gracias por todo que haces por mi.

Te quiero mucho ama.

Judge Me.

   When does it become wrong to act on the feelings that can be reckless to others? I do not want to hurt others, but I do want to try and pursue the things that make me happy in that moment. Does it make me a horrible person if I do what makes me happy before I go the extra ten miles to make them happy? I realize how this makes me look. I realize that this is the SECOND time I've faced this issue... but in this moment I am content. Do I always have to worry about the happiness of others? Or can I occasionally care about myself and go those extra ten miles to keep my smile shinning bright? I'll continue to live moment by moment, day by day, until it no longer satisfies me. As for now, I am as content as I deserve to me. So judge me as much as you'd like. Go ahead, spread those rumors. Either way, I'm still happy. And in my world, that's all that matters. Call me selfish as much as you please. Those who truly know me, know how selfless I truly am. Your opinion means nothing to me.

I ain't mad at'cha !

I think you're a coward. I'll never say it directly to you though, I'm too afraid to hurt you. Unfortunately, I care that much. And I bet as much as you want to, you wont prove me wrong. But hey, do your thing. You do it well.

Halfway Promises.

   It gets harder and harder everyday to stick to these new ways of mine. I've spent half of my life pushing people away. Why? To keep things simple. I don't do complicated very well when it comes to relationships, and not just romantic relationships. One thing I've always been able to throw out there pretty easily, is trust. I know... makes no sense right? I've gotten better though. I've limited my group of friends to very few, but I've realized that even the ones you were ABSOLUTELY sure of, will disappoint you still. So, this makes me want to just run back under my shell. I know that I'm different, but I must be extremely unusual because apparently I'm the only one around here who can commit to a friendship. I give all of me to complete those that I honestly love. In return, I get halfway promises. I don't like this. I don't like the negative energy. I don't enjoy feeling disappointed. What fixes this? ... Not trusting ANYONE? I don't think I could do that. My heart is too big to only love myself. I'm done shutting people out. I refuse to be a coward. And if in the end I end up alone, then at least I'm alone knowing I tried. I've always been such a happy person. I'm human, so of course I'd get emotional here and there, but now I'm overwhelmed with emotions. I'm not exactly sure how to handle this, but I trust that I'll figure it out on the way.

    I feel like there's something I need to say, but I just can't put it into words. 

   All of this, it's so new to me. The feelings, the cravings, I never bothered with until now. It was always so much easier to just do the things that I loved and didn't worry about relationships with people. By doing that, I was never hurt, and I never hurt anyone. So, life was perfect. Then, I realized that art wasn't going to cut it forever. I needed to let go of my ways and commit to TRYING to build relationships correctly.
    Here I am, laying in bed still at 2:18p.m. Annoyed as hell with the people I've put my trust in. I want so badly to just not care anymore and run back to my old ways so that I was free of the negative energy... But I wont do that. I will not let anyone bring me down. I've come so far. I've grown so much as a person. Don't for one second think that I'm not happy, because I am. I adore this life and I continue to seek new things to appreciate to overrule the negative things in my life currently. Despite the bullshit, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am who I am because of the things I've dealt with and who I am today is always better than any yesterday I've ever had. I will continue to grow. Watch me.

#Fail

I've been sitting here on my bed for some time now. Trying to express my opinions on self-imposed timelines vs fate's timelines, but I can't. There's so much I have to say don't get me wrong, but there's so much I can't say. I feel the need to be completely honest with this topic, but I can't find it in me to type the words out. It's not that this blog is open to public and I have many readers contacting me daily about my writing. Because if that was it, I'd open up my journal and grab a pen. I think it's more of a pride thing right now. I refuse to be weak when I need every bit of my strength.




So, this was a fail. Tomorrows another day.

I practically piss my pants everytime I think about it.

In exactly a WEEK I will be here with MY GIRLS. Ahhhh I cannot wait. I really need this trip. And since the boys dipped out, it's just us girls going sooooo... HA ! (; AND we're all single? I don't think Padre is ready for me and my girls.

Bummin' it up.

   It's different waking up now knowing I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do and no where to be. I started working the day I turned 15 because I had to. So I figured a little break would be lovely. I could pretend to be 15 and enjoy some time to myself. Well, this isn't like I imagined. I don't know what to do with my self. Not even my hobbies can keep me sane for the full day.

Hey ! You look stupid.

   Okay ladies, listen up. Those of you who constantlyyyyy post on Facebook that you are "Looking for Mr. Right, still waiting for prince charming, so alone, wishing someone loved you, ect " QUIT THE BULLSHIT ! You look ridiculous. Why make yourself look so desperate? ALL of you on my friends list are so young. What's the rush ladies ! Love yourself enough to not throw yourself out there like this. RESPECT yourself. Sure, most people can't wait to fall in love and think on what it would be like, but you're so young. When God decides you are ready to love and be loved in return, he will bring you " Mr. Right." So stop rushing things and "falling" for every Mr. Right Now that gives you the attention your MIND craves. Your heart doesn't want to be hurt over and over again, so it cannot be a craving of the heart. Be patient and trust that it will happen. Stop making YOU look bad, stop making ME look bad, stop making all of us young ladies look bad. In reality, most of you don't even know the first thing about love and you throw the word around like it has no value. Be young, discover new things in life that compliment you, learn to love yourself, and most importantly, JUST LIVE. It'll happen.
   Im begging you, don't take away from your value and make yourself un-dateable to men.Your craving for commitment and your self imposed deadlines eliminates ANY hope of a healthy relationship. Who says you have to be married by 25 with kids? Once you get lost in the thought of being alone, you begin to shorten your expectations in a man and begin to settle for anyone who MIGHT be able to become your ideal man one day. DON'T DO THIS! This only results in heartbreak. One day you will get tired of not being able to mold this man and you will leave. Or he will leave you for making him feel less than what he is. One who isn't for you, is for someone else so don't waste his time.
   If in time you find that you CANNOT learn to chill the fuck out and still choose to TRY and overwrite God's time line, you might have a better chance standing on some corner holding a huge sign saying "I'm desperate!" I'm sure many guys will line up then.

Dangerous.

Why do we go after the things that are dangerous when we know what we could lose?