Halfway Promises.

   It gets harder and harder everyday to stick to these new ways of mine. I've spent half of my life pushing people away. Why? To keep things simple. I don't do complicated very well when it comes to relationships, and not just romantic relationships. One thing I've always been able to throw out there pretty easily, is trust. I know... makes no sense right? I've gotten better though. I've limited my group of friends to very few, but I've realized that even the ones you were ABSOLUTELY sure of, will disappoint you still. So, this makes me want to just run back under my shell. I know that I'm different, but I must be extremely unusual because apparently I'm the only one around here who can commit to a friendship. I give all of me to complete those that I honestly love. In return, I get halfway promises. I don't like this. I don't like the negative energy. I don't enjoy feeling disappointed. What fixes this? ... Not trusting ANYONE? I don't think I could do that. My heart is too big to only love myself. I'm done shutting people out. I refuse to be a coward. And if in the end I end up alone, then at least I'm alone knowing I tried. I've always been such a happy person. I'm human, so of course I'd get emotional here and there, but now I'm overwhelmed with emotions. I'm not exactly sure how to handle this, but I trust that I'll figure it out on the way.

    I feel like there's something I need to say, but I just can't put it into words. 

   All of this, it's so new to me. The feelings, the cravings, I never bothered with until now. It was always so much easier to just do the things that I loved and didn't worry about relationships with people. By doing that, I was never hurt, and I never hurt anyone. So, life was perfect. Then, I realized that art wasn't going to cut it forever. I needed to let go of my ways and commit to TRYING to build relationships correctly.
    Here I am, laying in bed still at 2:18p.m. Annoyed as hell with the people I've put my trust in. I want so badly to just not care anymore and run back to my old ways so that I was free of the negative energy... But I wont do that. I will not let anyone bring me down. I've come so far. I've grown so much as a person. Don't for one second think that I'm not happy, because I am. I adore this life and I continue to seek new things to appreciate to overrule the negative things in my life currently. Despite the bullshit, I wouldn't have it any other way. I am who I am because of the things I've dealt with and who I am today is always better than any yesterday I've ever had. I will continue to grow. Watch me.